terça-feira, 26 de julho de 2011
About a month ago I met a guy who reminds me of myself, intellectual, emotional and almost physically.
We saw each other a few times on my old gym, in Copacabana (now I work out in another one and he is not working out at all), but never really talked. I knew his name because a friend had already went out with him. I´m gonna call him "Diogo" here, just because he looks like me.
I met Diogo at an orgy. (I´m fed up with this kind of thing, I will talk more about this later).I was not supposed to go to that, since I don´t have patience to nightlife anymore, but another friend of the gym, Renato, talked so much about this specific party that got me excited.
My intuition said "Go! You´re gonna meet someone important". So I did.
I saw him there, but as we did not know each other properly, we didn´t even say hello.
At some point, tough, I was talking to a guy called Rodrigo. I left for a few minutes to go to the bathroom, and when I came back Diogo was already talking with Rodrigo. So, the three of us stood there together.
A few minutes later, Rodrigo met someone else and myself and Diogo kissed. It was great. Excelent chemistry, on the kiss and sexual. He is just a little bit shorter than me, something I like a lot.
We had sex, exchanged contact information and said our goodbyes (we both agreed on that, we were on a party).
At the end of the night, we´met again and had sex once more.
Two or three days after the party, I texted him inviting to dinner, no strings attached. He agreed.
It was a question of seconds: the minute he set foot in my place, we barely said three words, we started kissing. Intense, passionate kissing. That led to hot sex and after that we went have dinner and talk properly.
He is like me: very sexual, hates needy people, doesn´t have a serious relationship in a long time, is straightforward and blunt, look you in the eye when he talks, is very serious and looks like it´s no friendly at all because of that, likes to be alone, likes to live alone, and does not see himself in a long term marriage because of the monogamy issue.
He says he can´t control his sexual impulses after a month or so; and because of that he does not want to make someone else suffer, so he stays single.
That´s when I asked if we would work out as a couple in an open relationship, because we think so much alike. He could have sex with anyone he wanted to. The same for me. But we would keep the intimacy and the personal life issues only to ourselves. But no needy stuff.
Would we be able to hold on to each other, to be a safe reference to each other, even if each one of us can have sex freely, everytime one wants?
I explained to him that everybody needs somebody, you can´t spend your life alone and separated from it all. Deep down, everybody knows that.
Being alone and lonely seems common and sometimes more easy because it´s a habit, something you´re used to already after years and years of practice. And that is not something that is good for the soul (or the heart, if you prefer that way).
You really get used to the no-attachements life of a single person, and to break this pattern it takes disposition, courage and good will.
Returning to Diogo and our plan: something that would be essential for it to work out would be honesty, even a brutal one.
Example: I invite him to do something friday night and he already has a sex encounter on his calendar. Instead of lying to me and saying something like "I´m gonna stay in studying", he would say " I can´t this friday, because I´m gonna have sex with a guy I met on the subway."
I told him that I could do the same, we could be in opposite positions on this issue at some point.
This bluntness, it may not seem like it, but unites people. It´s a virtue, treasured by a lot of people, especially the ones who can´t be that open and honest all the time (Why do you think everybody loves the TV show "House" and its main character?)
That´s when I explained to him about fidelity, especially the one between two men: it has to be voluntary, not obligatory. Even because the obligatory one WILL BE destroyed by cheating during the relationship, once, twice, ten times.
Not the voluntary one. I CHOOSE not to have sex with other guys because I don´t want to, because Diogo is enough for me emotional, intellectual and physically.
And I have to endure if for him things don´t work out that way, if he needs to be on the same sexual level he is today, having sex with multiple partners.
I don´t have to feel threatned or diminished on my manhood because of that, he simply has this necessity, one I believe at some point will slow down.
And even if it doesn´t, this is part of who he is, if I like him, don´t I have to accept him just the way he is?
Many, many relationships end because of cheating. Much of a happy life as a couple that could still happen, travels, parties, dates, valentine´s days, walks in the park holding hands, romantic movies in bed...everything is gone with the wind because one cheated on some random afternoon with a hot guy he met by chance.
So the whole relationship goes down in flames with tears, screaming, demands, deceptions, trauma and pain.
Wouldn´t be better to accept the other´s emotional and physical needs? To not let them put you down, make you feel less than who you are, like you don´t have value, and emphatize the great and treasured moments of cumplicity, honesty and caring that you guys as a couple have when you both can (and most of all, want) to be together?
If it doesn´t work out, we break up. But if it works, it could be the proof that this is the best way to deal in a relationship with the issue of sexual fidelity. No one is needy, no one needs to call four times a day to see what the other is doing, no emotional dependency.
The other, whoever he may be, is not gonna "save you". He will not nurture you all the time, hug you all the time and take care of you all the time.
You have to be self-sufficient, you have to like yourself and stand/ enjoy your own company. Only then you can share something with someone else and understand if someday this guy wants to give up and break up.
Even without sex in the mix, there are days when the other is just sad, depressed, wants to be alone, in silence and he must be respected. (and NO, it has not something to do with you).
The big advantage we have because we are gay men is exactly this one: we are all men, we are more free and we understand that YES, sometimes our dick has a will of its own (we know that because it happens to us as well).
We were made to last and endure more extreme emotional impacts than women (especially straight ones, who sometimes still have on their minds that idea of the virile hero in a white horse, a fairy tale prince who is gonna save them, take care of them and be sexually exclusive).
This idea is self-sabotage.
Men are sexual beings. Summing it up in a sentence I always hear: "Men, straight or gay, want to cum"
I´ve messed Diogo´s head up with all this talking.
I don´t know if we´re gonna actually have some relationship. Only time will tell.
As Doris Day said, what will be, will be. No rush.
I´m Diego, 35 years old in 2011, born and raised on Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The beach was always close to my house. Yes, I work out.
I´m an out-of-the-closet well resolved gay guy. My family, co-workers, everybody knows (I told the world when I was 19) because to me being gay is the most common and normal thing there is. For you it´s not?
For years now I have a blog in brazilian portuguese, on which I talk about life issues, especially the ones envolving gay people. This is my life and my reality. So I decided now to write a blog in english, to see where it´s gonna take me.
I´m a journalist, an actor and I also graduated in advertising. Words are my tools. I´m writing a play now, as well.
My idea is to provoke you, to make you think, and above all, to be honest. I don´t wanna fool you (or myself), I don´t wanna waste my time or anybody´s. I want to change something on you, and of course on me in this process.
A lot of people think that gay guys are all about parties, drugs, sex and fun. Well, I´m not into parties (not anymore, at least), I don´t drink, don´t smoke and never used drugs (yeah, not even pot). But I have a lot of sex, being a gay (and single) guy in Rio de Janeiro (you can imagine....). And I love fun, but, what the hell, who doesn´t?
So, be prepared to think about some life-altering questions and some controversy. But also to read news from Brazil and to know what is like to be a gay guy from Rio, in Rio.
Maybe we can meet when you visit my city or maybe I can meet you when I come to yours and hey, it´s gonna be your turn to tell me how it is to be gay in your shoes.
Welcome, then. ;)